How to Become God in Five Easy Lessons
Posted: Sunday, January 22, 2006
by John Sammon
Sammonsays
Lets face it. We all want personal success. The top job.
Every greedy, lying, cheating, no-good, corporate bastard vice president or politician.wants to move up. You know. The kind who would steal fifty dollars off their mothers bureau drawer while her back was turned.
A person who would embezzle their own company. Or deceive Congress. Bah! Small potatoes.
How to become God in five easy lessons. Yes, you heard right.
How to become God!
God!
Ive made it easy for you on my new CD package. You cant screw up because its all laid out in simple steps. With the right attitude, you too can be as much of a deity as you want.
First, I show you how to speak in a low voice thats appropriately God-like. If God spoke in a high-pitched, shrill obbligato, like some frustrated, undersexed librarianyou think anybody would listen?
I show you how to emit words low from your diaphragmand how to make Biblical-like, ponderous statements that command respect, attention..and fear.
For example, (say it in a low, booming voice). It is for you, Jonathan, to begat more children to populate the earth. Begin with your voluptuous office assistant Raquel. The one from whom you sit across the table at sales meetings. The one whom in your mind you often dream about smiting, conquering in bed, but are too afraid to ask. Fear not! Begat! Begat! All you can.
Some of the techniques are ridiculously simple. Like going to a novelty store and purchasing cheap glitter to sprinkle in your hair.
Want to put a nagging wife who doesnt appreciate you in her place?
You can do it with my new kit. At first, shell doubt that youre God, having lived with you for ten years. But after just ten days of putting my instruction into practice..shell lick your feet, and beg to worship your golden sacred staff (golden paint is included).
Shell plead for divine intervention..of any kind. Sex. Chastisement. Waiting on you hand and foot.
Talk about a life affirming change.
Your abusive boss will be so terrified of you, hell beg you to take a raise in salary, and will insist that you only come in to the office to pick up your checks.
Nothing in my new kit has not been tried out personally by mewith success. For example, never let your spouse or co-workers see or know that you go to the bathroom. God does not poop.
Either hold it in, or do like I have, tell your wife youre going to collect firewoodand go out into the woods and do it (take toilet paper).
After only two weeks of seeing that you never go to the bathroom, people will come to accept that, youre God.
I also show you how to make seemingly accurate predictions of the future, that, like fortune telling machines at the county fair, are sufficiently vague enough to never be wrong.
Believe me, this is a real art form.
Its all here for you. For just $79.95 you get the CD, instruction booklet, gold paint and glitter, plus a new addition. Twelve ways you can use your new on-high condition to defraud the government of state and federal taxes.
Order today (coming soon to eBay).
Copyright 2006 by SammonSays.com
This Article has been viewed 17,300 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
More commentsthank you very much now i am nearly a god
"For example, (say it in a low, booming voice). It is for you, Jonathan, to begat more children to populate the earth. Begin with your voluptuous office assistant Raquel."he he, hey, it worked for the Mormons!I would order your CD, but will it be as disappointing as that ghost I ordered from the comic book, promised to hover and glide, and it turned out to be a balloon on a string?Dear Anony - If you are not completely satisfied, I will send to you at no extra charge, my companion CD and booklet, How You can Convince a Blind Date You are Not a Pervert Just Because You Want Her to Tie You Up. Includes sure-fire techiques, and lines that can't fail such as, "You just don't understand my kind of love."Only $69.95 while supplies last.JS
What if I purchase your CD, become God and taunt you (I'm assuming you already are a God, since you know very well how to become one) into a fight with me and become the cause of an Armageddon-level destruction on earth? And then we go on to establish our own religions that will bicker on for centuries to come, like Islam and Christianity? :P
How much does extra glitter cost? Are there color selections avalilable?
I downloaded this for free off the internet and could only reach the level of "divinely inspired", I'm really thinking about getting the legit version and taking it all the way.
Nothin like takin on the big topic. Why not? Everybody kind of has a sense of what you are talking about. That's an edge right there. Liked it.
Wow.... I couldn't have done it better. Genius.... on so many levels. bg0557
Wow... Great website. Absolutely genius.... on so many levels.
Holy crap.....It really works!!!!!
Good trial, Darling. Even tho'I find you quite naive for someone that wishes to be God.
Please take your wishes more seriously next time.
Good "Luck",
Goddess
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